This forum contains some adult humour. You have been warned!
by christella 22 Dec 2016, 16:57
Nearly had sex with a ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he
reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought - Hang on just a minute!

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward, init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's
funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and
mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay", as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus
were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel
a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church - but not in a Mexican prison.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a man sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

A man is seeking to join the New York Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six
drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?
bowls is like sex you can be no good at it but really enjoy yourself
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bowling is like sex you dont have to be any good at it but you really enjoy it
by durham rader 23 Dec 2016, 06:51

RAchel /DERrick. To far North to be English and to far South to be Scottish.

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